Well, at least I know my tendency to start and semi-abandon blogs isn’t gender related . . .
A lot has happened since my last post a year ago. I came out to, like, 10 people, including my Mom. Everyone was super supportive and excited for me (even my Mom). I’ve managed to acquire more clothes and shoes (Yay for online shopping!) and unless my son is spending the night, I spend a few hours each night “dressed”.
It was a few months ago that something clicked over in my head. A few things occurred to me all within a couple days of each other. First, I realized I wasn’t seeing myself in the mirror as male trying to look female anymore- I started seeing myself as female. So many of my body image issues melted away when I realized that. All my life, it’s not that I was upset at the “out of shape” part of “out of shape guy”, it was the “guy” part. I’m never gonna be in shape. But now I see the curves and lines that are my figure, even if they aren’t readily apparent.
The second thing was about clothes. I would get dressed and it would feel WONDERFUL- so affirming, so right. I finally understood “gender euphoria” that the girls on the message boards talked about. But I wasn’t dressing consistently, even though I felt so right doing so. A few instances stood out- getting my breastforms, a certain tight (TIGHT) dress that made me see that I really do have a butt, and successful hair positioning with a headband to mask my masculine hairline. I was *seeing* the real me, and that’s when I realized I was waiting too long to dress. I would wait until it was almost a craving. I’m not sure why. I’d like to think it just seemed like a lot of effort for a couple hours. But what I was doing was keeping myself bottled up. Even though I had essentially started to think about myself as female, I wasn’t expressing it. So, I kicked that right into gear and now I do so whenever I can. The euphoria has backed down some (unless I get new clothes 🙂 ), and that’s how I’m sure it’s legit- it just feels *right* all the time, rather than allowing myself some sort of “treat”.
And finally I’ve made a decision about taking control of some sort of transition. Obviously with health like mine, medical HRT isn’t an option- no Dr is going to take the risk. But I want to. I have no interest in genital reassignment surgery, but I want that shape, those lines, because that’s me. I’m a curvy gal, for sure, but I want those curves. So, I’ve managed to cajole my cardiologist into putting me on a med that is both a typical dieuretic for heart failure patients like me AND the top go-to androgen blocker for transitioning gals. For the estrogen compounds, I’m going with an herbal regimen. It won’t be as extreme in the same amount of time (typical medical HRT shows results that are hard to hide in about 18 to 24 months, anecdotally it seems herbals are more like 3-4 years). There’s plenty of evidence out there on individual compounds, so I’m going to end up with a total of 6, adding a new one in each 3 to 4 weeks to isolate any issues and if need be I can get independent blood work done for $50. This approach moves me towards something I want but at a pace that I can disguise until I’m ready to make a decision about transitioning fully. There are so many issues involved with that, but that’s for another (gut wrenching) post.
Oddly, when all these things came together (before I started the herbals), my partner and I both noticed a change. My emotional baseline was different, my demeanor was different, there was even some change in body shape (without gaining weight, my breasts started to ever-so-slightly swell), my erogenous zones changed, etc. Neither of us mentioned it at first because a) it was subtle and b) it seemed kind of far fetched. Once we *did* talk about it and verify what we’d each noticed, I’ve decided that if my body really is female and by system wants to be producing estrogen, it makes some amount of sense that once I accepted it on a truly internalized level, it threw a sort of switch. “OK, gals, time to redecorate” said the endocrine system.
Maybe. It makes me smile to think so.