Category: Uncategorized

Time Marches On

Today is my 4 months HRT-iversary. I spent a good part of it helping a friend pack up their childhood room, having recently moved away from antagonistically unsupportive parents and needing, at their insistence, to finish the job. I went for moral support and as a shield, if need be, but they weren’t even home so there was no confrontation to defuse.

It just made me realize how much has changed in such a short period of time. The person in my mirror LOOKS almost as female as I feel. Even 6 months ago, that seemed impossible. Now it’s my life. While part of me wishes I had done it sooner, I know I wasn’t ready, or in a place to do so. Don’t get me wrong, HRT is kind of rough with the emotional ups and downs as all the wiring in my brain gets re-worked, but it’s better than not having done it all.

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Everybody Needs A Little Time Away

I am on a self-imposed mental health break from Facebook. It’s unfortunate, because that is my connection to a lot of the people in my life, but I just needed a little less of the outside world for awhile. My patience for willful ignorance, always at a premium anyway, has worn even more thin now that I regularly engage trans-phobes and try to break through the walls of ridiculous notions and false information. It’s tiring.

Meanwhile, life goes on. I am speaking on a panel next month at an event put on by the sexuality education group at the nearby college. It’s about Kink, which is pretty broad. Not sure what the other panelists are about. I guess I’ll find out.

Oh, Damn, It’s Been Almost a Month

See, this happens every time I start blogging again. Frickin’ life, man. I’m still here. Ups and downs as my body gets used to injected hormones, but that’s to be expected and I have an amazing support system in place. I’ve been putting some energy into the Center near me, stepping up to lead things and whatnot, might have a fairly important project brewing out of that. And, I’ve been working on some writing for a literary magazine that asked me to submit. All in all, despite some hyper-emotional outbursts, things are good.

I feel like I’m settling in to this life. My life. The life I was supposed to have. Sometimes I think of all the things I missed out on, living that life that wasn’t mine, and it makes me sad. Like prom. I went to proms; I had decent times. I certainly didn’t “hook up” after any of them, but I’m still friends with a lot of those women and it’s really nice to have those shared memories. But I feel like they should be entirely different memories. I should get to go dress shopping, and have someone buy me a corsage, and walk around with my heels in my hand because they’re way higher than what I’m used to. I proposed we throw a prom at the Center. It seemed well received, so we’ll see how that unfolds. I know who I’m gonna ask 😉

The other thing that gets me is “passing”. I want to represent the community and stand up for trans people and help normalize trans-ness. I do. But I want to do it when it’s safe and I’m strong enough to. I don’t want to do it every time I need to run to the store. I don’t want to do it in the grungy gas station where I have to go inside to pay. I don’t want to do it every time I need to use a public restroom.

People tell me I pass, and while I see a difference in my appearance, I don’t think I do completely. I still see too much of old me in that face. I’ve changed my hairstyle, my mannerisms have just sort of changed almost on their own. But I feel like everyone “can tell”. And 75% of the time I ignore it and don’t pay attention. But that other 25% is HARD, because I feel like I look like an impostor, and a fraud. I do OK when I’m with other people- cis or trans- but when I have to run out on my own, that doubt creeps in. I guess it will fade with time. I hope it does, anyway, because it kind of sucks

Checking In

I have no topic here tonight. I have no flashy insight. It’s been almost 2 weeks since the last post, so, I should at least check in.

Got some bloodwork back- all looks good; estradiol climbing, T barely existent. Went to a wonderful holiday party last night at the transgender support center down in Charlotte. I feel called to volunteer there. I’m looking forward to it immensely.

Still Here

So, I’m still here. Mostly settled into my new place physically, but I’m a mess emotionally. For so many reasons, I’m very unsure about any sort of possibly romantic attachments. I mean, it’s a lot to throw out there at once and I feel like I’m being dishonest if I don’t go with full disclosure- “Hi, older overweight totally non-passing transgirl dying of a disabling heart condition, here. Nice to meet you!”. I could just present as male, but, again, that’s really dishonest.So, finding anyone is a challenge. And again, not sure if I want anyone. I know I feel some loneliness, but I don’t think I’m ready to open myself up to anything emotionally. It’s a tough spot to be in.

On the bright side, though, I do have a little more financial flexibility. Not a whole lot, but some. I’m pulling the trigger on shaving my beard by the end of the month and trying to learn basic makeup techniques. If I can get a few pictures that show me as feminine as I feel, I’d be ecstatic. Of course, there’s the risk that it won’t have much impact and I’ll be discouraged. *sigh*

Dr’s appt yesterday. I’m going back on low-level depression and anxiety meds, at least for a little while. I hope it smooths out the spikes of anxiety and low-level panic I’ve been dealing with lately.

Change 

So my partner and I have come to a place where we will be better off in separate places. The stress of trying to take care of each others medical needs is just too much for a relationship to bear. It’s bittersweet, but I think it’s the right thing for us.