Pow, Bitch!

I thought I had embraced my femininity. I thought I had really accepted being female.

I had no idea.

It has hit me like a smack on the ass. I move differently. I slink around instead of walking. I dance. It was a totally subconscious change; I realized I had been doing all these things. I described it to a close friend as “Everything just feels . . . softer”.

I have a shopping trip with a friend this week. I’m not sure which of us is more excited. I don’t have a whole lot of wiggle room in the budget, but the experience itself I’m sure will be wonderful. No surreptitiously slipping things into my cart; no creeping through the self checkout to avoid prying cashier eyes. I’m going to browse and laugh and have fun. I don’t care anymore about the looks and the mumbles under the breath I was always afraid of having to be exposed to.

Goddesses don’t give a fuck about the opinions and judgments of mere mortals.

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Back Up To Date

So, I think I’ve spent the appropriate amount of time neglecting my blog to justify starting back up again. So, here’s to a couple weeks of random posts before the next half-year of neglect

Changes- new woman in my life who fills me with such confidence and affirmation that I’ve taken more steps forward I’ve been too afraid to take. I’ve shaved off my beard, I’ve finally started using makeup, and I’m changing my wardrobe up a little because I can’t pretend such male-looking clothing in public is OK anymore. I’ve had a few really upsetting run-ins with the makeup so far, but last night I dialed everything back, just did mascara and a bit of lipstick, and actually took a picture of real me that I can honestly say is feminine and cute.

I’ve definitely become much more comfortable unleashing the girl inside, even when I’m playing that male character in public. It’s no longer a “want to” but more of a “have to”. I’ve been coming out to more people and it feels so great.

But the biggest change- I got ahold of estradiol. I was able to line up 6 months worth from someone I’ve known a very, very long time, and tonight I start. I’m already on medical anti-androgen for my heart stuff, and Im keeping my herbal anti-andros, but the rest are going away and the medical estro is taking its place. I’m giddy with excitement. Lab work to follow soon.

I cannot possibly express properly my gratitude to my cis sisters in my life who have been just overwhelmingly supportive of me. A, R, T, M, J – I love you all. Thank you for being part of this. But above all, Kaitlyn, I feel like I have come farther in the last 3 weeks than the last almost 3 years combined, and it’s because of the look in your eyes and the sound of your voice and everything you’ve so (ridiculously) rapidly become to me.

OK, sappy catch-up post over. Maybe next time will be overly-personal and make us all uncomfortable!!

Still Here

So, I’m still here. Mostly settled into my new place physically, but I’m a mess emotionally. For so many reasons, I’m very unsure about any sort of possibly romantic attachments. I mean, it’s a lot to throw out there at once and I feel like I’m being dishonest if I don’t go with full disclosure- “Hi, older overweight totally non-passing transgirl dying of a disabling heart condition, here. Nice to meet you!”. I could just present as male, but, again, that’s really dishonest.So, finding anyone is a challenge. And again, not sure if I want anyone. I know I feel some loneliness, but I don’t think I’m ready to open myself up to anything emotionally. It’s a tough spot to be in.

On the bright side, though, I do have a little more financial flexibility. Not a whole lot, but some. I’m pulling the trigger on shaving my beard by the end of the month and trying to learn basic makeup techniques. If I can get a few pictures that show me as feminine as I feel, I’d be ecstatic. Of course, there’s the risk that it won’t have much impact and I’ll be discouraged. *sigh*

Dr’s appt yesterday. I’m going back on low-level depression and anxiety meds, at least for a little while. I hope it smooths out the spikes of anxiety and low-level panic I’ve been dealing with lately.

Acceptance

So, I wasn’t ready to come out to the closest straight men in my life. I knew *logically* they would accept it for the most part, but there was still that fear of rejection and judgment.

Circumstances made that decision for me. I had to come out to my brother because there’s no way I can move my stuff without him, and he’s gonna see all my dresses and shoes. It went great. Then I had to come out to my adopted sister’s husband bc I can’t have one brother knowing and one in the dark. It also went great. Then my Mom started urging me to let her tell my Dad (we had already decided she should tell him; my Dad’s initial reactions to things aren’t often what he ends up feeling once he thinks about something) so he can understand part of what I’m going through with this whole move/mortality situation. So she told him, and he not only was OK with it, he told her he had a feeling something was up but he didn’t know what or why.

So, in a matter of days, my IRL circle of support has grown by almost half. It’s really liberating. And knowing I can be me in my little space without having to worry about people wondering wtf is up if I take awhile to answer my door is amazing. Last night I felt comfortable enough to sleep in a nightgown again. I’m not ready to present in front of the family, but knowing they’re ready for it when I am means a lot.

Change 

So my partner and I have come to a place where we will be better off in separate places. The stress of trying to take care of each others medical needs is just too much for a relationship to bear. It’s bittersweet, but I think it’s the right thing for us.