Still Here

So, I’m still here. Mostly settled into my new place physically, but I’m a mess emotionally. For so many reasons, I’m very unsure about any sort of possibly romantic attachments. I mean, it’s a lot to throw out there at once and I feel like I’m being dishonest if I don’t go with full disclosure- “Hi, older overweight totally non-passing transgirl dying of a disabling heart condition, here. Nice to meet you!”. I could just present as male, but, again, that’s really dishonest.So, finding anyone is a challenge. And again, not sure if I want anyone. I know I feel some loneliness, but I don’t think I’m ready to open myself up to anything emotionally. It’s a tough spot to be in.

On the bright side, though, I do have a little more financial flexibility. Not a whole lot, but some. I’m pulling the trigger on shaving my beard by the end of the month and trying to learn basic makeup techniques. If I can get a few pictures that show me as feminine as I feel, I’d be ecstatic. Of course, there’s the risk that it won’t have much impact and I’ll be discouraged. *sigh*

Dr’s appt yesterday. I’m going back on low-level depression and anxiety meds, at least for a little while. I hope it smooths out the spikes of anxiety and low-level panic I’ve been dealing with lately.

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Acceptance

So, I wasn’t ready to come out to the closest straight men in my life. I knew *logically* they would accept it for the most part, but there was still that fear of rejection and judgment.

Circumstances made that decision for me. I had to come out to my brother because there’s no way I can move my stuff without him, and he’s gonna see all my dresses and shoes. It went great. Then I had to come out to my adopted sister’s husband bc I can’t have one brother knowing and one in the dark. It also went great. Then my Mom started urging me to let her tell my Dad (we had already decided she should tell him; my Dad’s initial reactions to things aren’t often what he ends up feeling once he thinks about something) so he can understand part of what I’m going through with this whole move/mortality situation. So she told him, and he not only was OK with it, he told her he had a feeling something was up but he didn’t know what or why.

So, in a matter of days, my IRL circle of support has grown by almost half. It’s really liberating. And knowing I can be me in my little space without having to worry about people wondering wtf is up if I take awhile to answer my door is amazing. Last night I felt comfortable enough to sleep in a nightgown again. I’m not ready to present in front of the family, but knowing they’re ready for it when I am means a lot.

ChangeĀ 

So my partner and I have come to a place where we will be better off in separate places. The stress of trying to take care of each others medical needs is just too much for a relationship to bear. It’s bittersweet, but I think it’s the right thing for us.

Hair Removal Sucks . . . Less

Sisters (and brothers with interest in more extreme grooming), I am a convert, here now to preach the glory of sugaring!!

O.M.G.

Yeah, it kinda hurts a little. But it WORKS. Applying the paste pulls the hairs a bit, but actually snapping the paste off hurts less. I’m an ample gal, so it wasn’t always easy to keep my skin taught (which makes the snap off more effective and hurts less). The after-wards pain is literally no more than a really mild sunburn, exactly comparable to what I feel when I’ve used Nair. I did my stomach because that’s my hardest area to deal with (shaving irritation, you understand). I have to let my chest hair grow out for a couple days; it’s too short right now. The result is totally hairless, perfectly smooth exfoliated skin. Divine.

I won’t rehash the 2,417 blogs and videos out there. I’ll just hit some tips:

  • Some of the tutorials on home-making paste out there talk about using the color of the boil to know when it’s done. Bad idea. Chemically, you’re making candy. Color is a function of how hot, how fast, for how long. Consistency is a matter of highest boil temp. I went for halfway between soft ball (~240F) and hard ball (~260F) stage. If you want it darker, use lower heat which takes longer to get to temp but caramelizes the sugar more. If you want it done faster, use higher heat and be prepared to pull it off the heat as soon as it reaches temp. Mine came out a touch lighter than honey. Once I worked it a bit in my hands, consistency was perfect. As you go and the wad fills with hair, I can see how darker paste is less gross looking
  • Think about your container before you start. I grabbed a 1qt mason jar. When all was said and done, even though it was a wide-mouth, I couldn’t get my hand down in it to get the paste out and had to use a butter knife. Whoops.
  • Keep the area you’re working powdered but your hands clean as a you go. I had problems with sticking that turned out to be because I was getting talc on my hands as I went. Rinsing my hands in warm enough water to melt the sugar paste worked wonders; light dry on a towel and back at it. A little bit of moisture did not affect the paste’s stickiness at all (well, one time it did but kneading the paste wad for a second took care of it)
  • I think I’m going to get a big soft makeup brush to distribute talc as I go
  • Keep your skin taught. Really. Did I say that up there? Yes. I’m saying it again because it’s probably the most important thing I learned. Makes such a difference
  • Follow-up. I used witch hazel after and make sure you have a good lotion with aloe around